Feel the awesome.
04
May 2011
love & miss
Four months ago today we said goodbye to our sweet, Paxon. Ugh. We miss him so much. We talked and thought about him a lot today. Jeremy and I shared at a women’s ministries event at our church this morning. Sharing today on the 4th made for a pretty emotional time. I knew I was going to be nervous, and so last week I put together a few thoughts about our journey with Paxon, and thought I would share them here. This really isn’t all-inclusive, and the story God is writing with all of our lives isn’t finished yet, but here are a few things we have learned from our Paxon Ray.
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Jeremy and I have been asked to share with the women who attend Continuum next week. I’m sitting here thinking about having to stand up front with hundreds of people watching us, listening to every word that comes out of our mouths, and I can barely contain my heart. This is not my gig. This is not my specialty. This certainly is not something I’ve longed to do. So this is God stretching me…again. Thankfully Jeremy and I get to be together up there, and he is completely opposite of me, so he’ll be holding up the family name :).
How can we explain to everyone the joy and heartache and torment we’ve been through with Paxon? It seems impossible. It’s impossible to articulate the joy we felt in finding out we were pregnant after we had taken two years to pray about having more children, and the torment we shared in saying good-bye to our baby. I know most people have thought about what it would be like to lose their child, and I have to tell you, it’s just as miserable and awful as you’ve imagined. I feel like I’ve failed as a parent. We’re supposed to love and protect our children, and we really didn’t get to do that. We didn’t get to feed him because his body couldn’t handle real food. We didn’t get to hold him much because of all the tubes. We didn’t get to take him home because he was too weak. We had so many plans and dreams for him, but it became really clear really quickly that we couldn’t stop the pain he was going through and our dreams were being crushed. I ached to rip every tube and line off of his body and take him home, but that wasn’t going to happen.
Watching Paxon slowly slip away made God’s sovereignty real to me. How Paxon was feeling, and what was being done to him was completely out of our hands. It was agonizing. Honestly, I was really wrestling with God’s sovereignty. I never doubted that God was in control. He is all powerful and all knowing. But, these characteristics almost made things harder for me. He could have healed my boy with a single word, but He chose not to.
Our days with Paxon really forced me to concentrate on a phrase our Pastor Tom has been telling us for years, “What we know about God needs to trump what we feel.” We need to remember the truths we know about God, because our hearts are breaking over our empty arms.
The Bible says that all things work together for good for those who love Him. This is really easy to say and believe when things are going well and life is good. But, it’s extremely difficult to imagine that any good can come from losing your child. Honestly, it seems messed up. But it’s the truth, so we are forced to change our perspective and concentrate on what God may be teaching us through this. Paxon was faced with a major heart surgery just days after he had died. We’re thankful he didn’t have to go through that. It is good that he didn’t have to. After the doctors intubated him, he couldn’t coo or cry. It is good that he is free of tubes and picc lines now. Paxon was literally suffocating because his body could not get rid of the carbon dioxide. It is very good that he doesn’t have to fight to breathe anymore. We were hoping for more than 11 days to spend with our baby, but we’re grateful for the time we had because we know it could have been less. Being chosen to be Paxon’s mommy and daddy was a privilege, and we’re so grateful the Lord let us call him ours. I wish that we wouldn’t have had to go through losing our son to learn more about compassion and how to love, but it is good. It is all good. And, when we focus on the good, and the good that may still come from his life, we can breathe. We are not consumed by fear. And, we feel very loved by our God and Father. We can turn towards our Father in heaven for comfort, for he understands what it’s like to watch your child suffer.
We can also have joy. Joy because we know that God will redeem this for His glory, and our eternal happiness. Joy because we trust that He will do something BIG with Paxon’s legacy. Joy because we will not let Satan have any sort of victory in our suffering whatsoever. Joy because we know that God is our Father in Heaven, and we will be with Him very, very soon.
Until that day, we will carry Paxon’s sweet memory forward. We will not forget our boy, our love for him, and how he changed our lives. We will never be the same because of our strong little fighter. Thank you, God.
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The teamASHER Silent Auction
A Slice of Yesterday
I thought a lot about you today…and prayed for you a ton. And will continue to pray for you. 🙂 Your journey continues to encourage and inspire me tremendously…Thank you for living so open-handed. 🙂
Oh my. Not sure I have words to express the feelings washing over me. I have been praying for you and I know GOD used you today. May GOD receive glory from Paxon – and your family. Not easy. Not even close. Still praying.
Thank you for opening your heart to us! You blessed me.
wow. seriously, your perspective is amazing. love you guys xoxo
You have a beautiful heart. Thank you for sharing it with so many people.
Once again, you have humbled me and brought tears to my eyes. You are such a blessing to so many, Rachel and Jeremy even through your pain and sorrow. Thanks for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings.
God is glorified. And He does work all together for good for those who love Him. And I can see how this would be a seriously hard fact to hold onto through something as excruciating as losing a child. But you have not wavered and your unfailing love for both Christ and Paxon is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. Love you friends.
Rachel, your gift is words….sharing your heart in what your write. Thanks and I pray for you and Jeremy and Asher. Love you.
Tears are bubbling up…I can just imagine the glisten in your grandpa’s eye, Jeremy, as he met Paxon for the first time. What peace we can have knowing that we will be reunited someday. I am so proud of you guys for allowing God to use you to encourage others. Love you lots!
Beautifully written Honey…
Beautiful words Rachel. Thanks (as always) for sharing your heart. I know without a doubt that God will use Paxon’s legacy in a mighty way. He doesn’t waste a tear you shed. Love you!
Thank you for sharing that…you wrote it beautifully and it really touched my heart reading it.
Oh, Rach. I miss him so much for you. Thank you for continuing to share his legacy and your heart with us. You and J are such a blessing.