Feel the awesome.
12
Jan 2011
Breathing.
This has been pretty hard to do lately. When I walk past his nursery, it’s hard to breathe. When I look at the pictures we have of him, it’s hard to breathe. When I think about life without him, it’s hard to breathe. When we said another goodbye to him at the cemetery, it was hard to breathe…I just want so desperately to hold him again…
I wish we could have helped him more. And yet, I’m so thankful he doesn’t have to fight anymore. He had been through a lifetime of needles, and tubes, and IV lines, and we were only just beginning. I’m thankful he didn’t have to go through the heart surgery. I’m thankful he’s resting. But, I still wish I could hold him again…
I miss the sleepless nights with him in the hospital, all of the beeping monitors, and the long talks with the doctors about our boy…because all these things meant Pax was with us, and the fight was on. I miss fighting for him…
But our sweet Paxon Ray is not struggling to breathe anymore. He is in the presence of the Lord, His Father, His Maker. Perfect. Whole. Happy. And, this brings me joy.
We had a memorial service for our Paxon Ray this week. It was a beautiful service. Our friend and Pastor, Tyler, conducted the service and did a wonderful job at honoring Paxon’s life, and explaining why God is trustworthy in these hard times when life seems so unfair. Our friend and Pastor, Justin, read a letter that Jeremy wrote sharing our hearts with everyone. And, our friend and extremely talented songwriter/musician, Kristie, sang a song she wrote about our sweet Paxon Ray. It was a short and sweet service. Our prayer was that Paxon’s life would be honored, and we hope that the people who came were blessed.
Jeremy’s letter…
This has been the most difficult six months of our lives. Hopefully, the most difficult Rachel and I ever have to experience. But this time was not lost.
Our son, Paxon, the boy that we loved before we knew his name, was taken from us quickly. We were not ready to let him go and we will never be ready to stop loving him. But what have seen from his short life is a legacy that has changed us forever.
We have seen strength in his weakness.
We have looked to our eternal Father for comfort.
We have learned to truly value life and learned that it is worth defending.
We have seen the Christian community around us rise up and be the hands and feet of Jesus.
We have declared to the world that the Lord is trustworthy and good.
We have been brought low and looked to Him for comfort and wisdom.
We have learned the truth of James 5:11, that says,
“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.”
We felt His compassion and we saw His mercy.
And we got to love our boy.
Paxon was a gift that we cherished for 11 days. We loved him with everything we could muster. And we continue to do so. The gift that he gave us was more than just his life. He gave us a greater understanding of our God and Father. His life led us deeper into our faith and allowed us to radically experience the character of the God that we love.
We love you, Paxon. We will miss you so much.
Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever.
Kristie Braselton’s song for Paxon…
Paxon Ray (click to open in Windows Media Player)
Paxon Ray
We gazed at you in black and white
We prayed for you night after night
Paxon Ray
Those tiny hands and tiny heart
We fought for you right from the start
Paxon Ray
Only Jesus knew how long we’d have with you
So we treasured every moment you were here
Sweet Paxon Ray, with us just eleven days
How we wish you could have stayed
Sweet Paxon Ray, we will hold you once again
One wonderful Day, sweet Paxon Ray
Oh the joy the day you came
You were so small and yet so brave
Our Paxon Ray
Your fragile fingers gripped us tight
You wouldn’t go without a fight
Paxon Ray
We know that now our Father has healed your heart for you
And one day he’ll make our broken hearts whole too
We weren’t finished loving you
Our little boy, you will always be
No, we weren’t finished loving you
So we’ll love you into eternity
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The teamASHER Silent Auction
A Slice of Yesterday
you all amaze me every day. in every moment you breathe – you are still fighting, and still inspiring me.
My thoughts never leave you.
-Leah
We love you guys so much!! Thank you for your perseverance… it teaches me to persevere! Thank you for your trust and faith… it makes my faith stronger!
We love you guys and we are praying! I wish there was more I could do but we are praying and I know that is good!
Beautifully expressed… thank you for continuing to share your heart and struggle with us so we know how you are truly doing and know how to pray. I echo Debbie’s words – your example and courage through this all is leading me to our Saviors feet as well! Thank you dear friend! Paxon’s life is impacting us all in very deep ways.
We love you so much!!
Sweet Paxon is in Jesus’ loving arms right now! You’ll be with him again someday. 🙂
For now, keep breathing! We’ll keep praying for your broken hearts.
Thinking of you often, and like everyone else has said, thankyou for sharing your heart with us all. I had a friend pass away, coming up on a year ago. She was actually a nurse at phoenix childrens hospital, working with critically ill babies. She loved babies and I know now she is comforting your little Paxon until you can be with him again!
Oh it just hurts my heart to know that you are hurting. But I am comforted in the fact that you rely and depend on the only true comfort and that is God alone. I am blessed to be your friend and pray for you through this incredibly painful journey you are on. I am overwhelemed at what I see happening all around you and how many lives have been touched because of Paxon. In his 11 days he left a legacy that one could only wish to leave. One of hope, strength, preserverance and love. We love you, and if you need a friend to talk to, cry to or just be with, we are here.
Thank you for this update…I must admit I’ve been checking everyday and thinking about you in between my checks! It sounds like the service was precious–the letter and song were so touching. Prayers continue to be lifted up for you, dear ones.
While he doesn’t have to fight to breath, you do…I get it so much Rachel. I’m so sorry. Some days that’s all you can do is breathe…in and out, one after another until one day you don’t have to fully concentrate on it any longer. It’ll come, I promise. It won’t be easy and it won’t be overnight. I’m praying as you breathe.
When I listen to this song by Selah, I can’t help but think of you two and pray…
I Will Carry You – Selah
There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this
So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Rachel,
That was so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your pain, that we too might grow closer to our Father and learn to “breathe” during hard times. Praying for you!!!
Paxon was such a sweet gift I too wish you could still hold him. It is painful and I keep praying for you all that God mends your brokenness.
I glad to hear that you are both finding strength and breath in our Lord. Your faith is beautiful! Paxon truly did and continues to impact lives…but you two also have done extrodinary ‘work’ in this life. I am blessed to see how God continues to use you both. The strength and fight in Paxon was truly from amazing parents! Thank you both for really being Jesus!
Thanks Rachel for sharing. Still praying and sending you love. I’m days away from being well enough for some much needed Asher time. Squeeze him for me!
So incredibly beautiful and honoring, Rachel and Jeremy. Just hearing sweet Paxon Ray’s name being honored out loud in such a way is another testament how much weight that little boy of yours held in this world in his 11 days here. And Jeremy’s letter…words of pure love from a father to his son. I can only imagine how lovely Paxon’s service was perfect. Just breathe…just breathe. I love you.
Dear sweet Rachel,
You sent Paxon out of this world in tenderness with open arms surrendered to the purposes of God. But each day, it must feel you wake up to do it again. Your loss brings tears and demands time and my heart wants to remove the pain from you. I pray that God renews your mind each day with hope and trust in His promises and His love for you. That you fill His Spirit giving you strength to do the routine stuff of your days and that soon you will experience a harvest of joy and the fruit of your perseverance, a great priceless pearl of deep faith.
May those who sow in tears
reap with shouts of joy!
He that goes forth weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.
Ps. 126:5-6
Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your heart and for sharing Jeremy’s words and for posting Kristie’s song. It’s a beautiful picture of honoring the Lord through the tears and the pain and through not being able to get your breath. My heart aches for you and I continue to pray for you all the time. I love the words of the song Jon Kempiak posted. I think of you every time I hear that song. God entrusted you with a beautiful gift named Paxon for way too short of a time. You have loved him well (and will never stop doing so) and God is continuing to use Paxon and your whole family in great and mighty ways.
Thank you for your honesty. We love, we ache with and for you and we want to be here for you. May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding GUARD your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
I love you friend!
What a beautiful song, I am so glad your friend was able to give you something so beautiful!!! My heart is broken for you all!!! One breath at a time, just one breath!!!! HUGS
You honored Paxon in an incredible way at the service…it blessed my heart to be there and see your sweet boy honored and God glorified in the midst of such pain. Paxon was so blessed to have such amazing parents…as is Asher. My heart is continually hurting for you and you are constantly in our prayers. Praying our Father holds you ever so tight in the upcoming days, weeks, months and years. Love you so much.
my 4 year old cousin taylor came up to me,
telling me sweet paxon had passed on to a better place
right then and there we stopped eating and just prayed.
for you, for him. i truely hurt for you, may the Lord bless
you, for your faith and trust in him.